Will somebody please buy Ezi Magbegor a French press?

It’s no secret that Ezi Magbegor is a fan favorite here at Witty Weather Pun.

That’s why the editorial staff (me) was left stunned at Tuesday’s revelation from the 22-year-old.

Ezi doesn’t drink coffee!? In Seattle!? What’s next, is Ezi going to walk through the tunnel at Climate Pledge Arena in an Alex Rodriguez Texas Rangers jersey?

This isn’t meant to reflect any negativity toward hot chocolate, a beverage that possesses a number of positive qualities. On a cold winter night, it’s always great to curl up on the couch with a warm mug of hot cocoa. But it’s no substitute for coffee, a true nectar of the gods and a necessity to begin the day.

Ezi’s disclosure raises further questions.

If she’s not drinking coffee, what is her morning routine like?

Since she described it as her “go-to drink order,” how often is she getting hot chocolate? Is there some sort of Swiss Miss or Ghirardelli endorsement in her future?

More than anything, how is this possible?

Australia.com—the definitive authority on all things Australian—says Melbourne is “known globally for its coffee obsession” and “offers more than 2,000 cafés as well as some of the world’s best baristas.” It sounds like Melbourne is basically the Seattle of Australia. Has Ezi never patronized one of the city’s apparently many fine roasteries?

I was a bit of an early adopter to coffee myself. I didn’t begin drinking it until after I had graduated college and my parents bought me a Keurig for Christmas. So judge not, that ye be not judged.

In order to remedy the problem, it is incumbent upon Ezi’s teammates or Storm fans if need be to purchase her a coffee maker, a grinder and beans from a local Seattle coffee shop. This grave injustice must persist no more.

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